Where do the good ones go?
Where do tears go once they finish
rolling down your face?
What is it we do with the pain,
with the feeling of loss?
What is the appropriate reaction to death,
to the helplessness left inside?
When is it ok to stop crying,
to stop grieving, to just adapt to the sorrow
and learn to live with it?
"This is supposed to make you appreciate life", they say...
"You have to seize every moment and make it count." ...
But in my heart, I know, these are just things
people tell themselves to prevent them from
feeling as much pain...
Death doesn't make any sense, or
It makes as much sense as life itself.
It's all so random...
We hurt so much, for so many reasons... Is this a
test? If it is, it's a cruel one!
Losing a friend, just like that,
someone that in some way has touched your life
and made it better...
Someone that made a difference,
and then it's over.
You cease having everything you took for granted,
´cause that's what us pittyfull humans with our free will do,
we take what matters for granted.
Maybe that is the lesson, but does it have to hurt like this?
He is gone and life is worse now...
Twenty seven years past from the time he
took his first breath coming into this world,
and something made him took his last...
We can't talk to him anymore,
no more birthday messages, no more Christmas cheer
and new year wishes over the phone.
My heart is heavy,
with sadness and regret,
and with pitty for a world that has lost
yet another good soul.
But my heart is also greatful for having had,
short timed as it was,
such a wonderful someone as part of my life!
I hope that this journey we make
does have some kind of purpose, some sense,
and that somewhere, somehow,
under whatever form,
we can meet once more and never part ways again.
'Till then my friend...
Pentru totdeauna in inima mea
terça-feira, 17 de fevereiro de 2009
domingo, 15 de fevereiro de 2009
In Memoriam
Sergiu Capatina - Dez 1981- Jan 2009
Today, January 15th, your body has left this earth, but as long as you have friends,
and because you were always such a sweet soul, such a good person, you will Never be forgotten!
We are lonelier now without you in our lives, but we will carry you in our hearts and maybe even have the luck of one day, be as good a person as you were.
Thank you for being my friend and allowing me to be a little part of your life.
Missing you already brave [Ph]BladeQue!
27 years is too short of a life...
Original Video- More videos at TinyPic
sábado, 7 de fevereiro de 2009
I miss me...
I miss me from back then...
Back then when the smell of flowers
still stired my heart, when I woke up and the birds
chirping away outside would let me know all would be alright.
I miss me running out the door, knowing that there
was a whole world of possibilities outside,
just waiting for me to pick one and make it my own.
I miss wearing sun faded pinkish jeans
and walking my street like I owned it.
I miss sitting on the steps of a building,
leaning against someone's knee,
listening to endless conversations about nothing,
and just feeling safe.
I miss the way people talked about my smile,
or how my hair was picked up by the wind...
I miss the smell of soap in freshly hand washed clothes,
and I miss the confort of coming home,
of belonging and having the feeling I was
designed for greater things.
I miss my grandmother's lap, i miss her voice,
which I can only now remember in my dreams.
I miss the playground games,
my first kiss, my first heart break...
I miss walking under heavy rain with my face up to the sky.
I miss my dog and the way he'd greet me everytime
I'd get home.
I miss not having a care in the world,
singing and dancing like there was no tomorrow,
but being sure that tomorrow would come again.
I miss high school dances and garage parties,
I miss writing a boy's name in my notebook, over and over again...
I miss mistreating boys for not letting be one of them.
I miss the grunge times, when Nirvana was all we'd listen to.
I miss going to the beach when it was still clean enough,
hidding and telling secrets under flannel shirts...
I miss not being afraid of showing who I am.
I miss me... and I want me back!
Back then when the smell of flowers
still stired my heart, when I woke up and the birds
chirping away outside would let me know all would be alright.
I miss me running out the door, knowing that there
was a whole world of possibilities outside,
just waiting for me to pick one and make it my own.
I miss wearing sun faded pinkish jeans
and walking my street like I owned it.
I miss sitting on the steps of a building,
leaning against someone's knee,
listening to endless conversations about nothing,
and just feeling safe.
I miss the way people talked about my smile,
or how my hair was picked up by the wind...
I miss the smell of soap in freshly hand washed clothes,
and I miss the confort of coming home,
of belonging and having the feeling I was
designed for greater things.
I miss my grandmother's lap, i miss her voice,
which I can only now remember in my dreams.
I miss the playground games,
my first kiss, my first heart break...
I miss walking under heavy rain with my face up to the sky.
I miss my dog and the way he'd greet me everytime
I'd get home.
I miss not having a care in the world,
singing and dancing like there was no tomorrow,
but being sure that tomorrow would come again.
I miss high school dances and garage parties,
I miss writing a boy's name in my notebook, over and over again...
I miss mistreating boys for not letting be one of them.
I miss the grunge times, when Nirvana was all we'd listen to.
I miss going to the beach when it was still clean enough,
hidding and telling secrets under flannel shirts...
I miss not being afraid of showing who I am.
I miss me... and I want me back!
quarta-feira, 21 de janeiro de 2009
Waking up to get angry
Well, today I woke up, not expecting much of this day, good or bad i mean...but the 1st thing that happened to me was getting mad!
Consider this topic up for discussion if you will. A friend of mine, also a blogger by the name of Ronwe, wrote something, his opinion about gay marriage and gay standards in general, and how he was so disappointed about how the politians of his country (Romania) were handling this. This friend of mine, who happens to think like me in this matter (he's a tolerant person) made very compelling arguments and stated his position quite clearly. Of course other people would read it and comment on what he wrote, but when I think I can't get surprised anymore, something or someone comes along and proves me wrong.
A 20 year old kid (by the nick of End3r) commented on his article saying and I quote:
"This isn't greece anymore. nature does not promote gayness. the natural way of things is opposite sex copulation , fags should be executed in front of the crowds (something like (panis et circus). This new age view is so wrong , you are forced to ACCEPT and tolerate something against the human nature.wrong."
My mouth dropped...
I can even understand old people thinking this way, well not understand but at least expect it, but young ones, writing this with this kind of hatred wraped around it? I just can't process this. And so I decided to counter-attack, and even if I went a bit over board, and created a double standard by being a tad intolerant myself, I stand my ground and won't take a single word back of my answer, which was this:
"Im all about tolerance really, although I must say some things are just beyhond my grasp and I find myself being INTOLERANT of ppl that in the 21st century still make comments like End3r. He's free to have his opinion (sadly) but Ronwe, you shouldnt talk in such a general sense and say things like "...you should consider something. Humans have been born with the wonderful ability to think...", because clearly End3r missed out on some of that wonderful power.I'm sorry , better yet, no Im not sorry, even if he finds this to be offensive, but if ppl like him had his way Barack Obama and his family would still be planting cotton fields and calling "master" to their white owner. Excuse my French, but fuck that! Freedom and tolerance are two of the most wonderful characteristics a person can have, and right now im failing at one cause i DO NOT tolerate biggets and prejudice creeps like this End3r who uses the words "fag" ( i bet he says "nigger" too") and talks about executions like a punch line to his brainless arguments... Better a marriage of 2 people of the same sex who are able to make it work, than a "regular" marriage with no respect, with a wife and kids being beaten everyday... And no one is being forced to Accept anything, and this isn't a "new wave". Difference is people are more educated (in some cases at least) today and have a hold of more information and can make up his mind based on facts, and gay people (who have been around since the dawn of time), from Marcus Antonius to Hudson Rock and Elton John, feel now a bit more confortable exposing themselves without being so afraid to be bashed on the street by pricks like you...Sry hippie to "Rant" on your page as well, but some things are just too much to take. ~And btw End3r, im a girl, the weaker sex like i bet you call us... get a life, better yet, get informed and maybe you'll stop being a close minded redneck."
Oh, and I added: "Oh wait... ~Ron White: "You can't fix stupid" ... my bad :x "
I'll leave it up to readers to judge, and you're free to do so, wether you're in favour of my opinion or not. Just dont expect me to be politically correct about this, cause there's no way in hell I'll ever accept people talking and thinking like this in the 21st century.
"What we envisage for every man, woman and child is a life where the exercise of individual gifts and personal rights is affirmed by the dynamic solidarity of our membership of the one human family."
-Nelson Mandela
segunda-feira, 19 de janeiro de 2009
Ready.... Set.... Go(ne)!
January 19th, 13 days after my last post...
I've been wanting to write but I couldn't. Why? I was too ashamed for one. I don't know what's wrong with me, what is this fear that has built itself inside me, and got stuck to the walls in my whole body; where did it come from; what caused it, or who? Me I guess... still doesn't make it better, still doesn't allow me to understand it and still doesn't keep me from failing as much as I do... Self-pity, what a lovely feeling to have about oneself, to hate who you see reflecting back at you in the mirror... and no, im not talking about good looks, although I've looked better than now, that's not it. Just a feeling of loss, of overwhelming guilt, of shame and sorrow, and the added fear of falling into depression more over, deeper, 'till it will be too hard to climb out...And so the panic attacks came, a sense of complete loss of control over everything, shortness of breath, more guilt, doctor's appointments, medication, confessions...That was when I felt I had hit rock bottom. So the 'story' begins:
Ready... moment when I decided it was time to change. Change everything, life, job, country even. So the goal was set. Next step: look for the way to achieve that. And so I did. Through a newspaper add, I applied for a job in England. During the process, I was being medicated, I was calmer, had the support of family, of my boyfriend, of friends, few but precious ones. Did the interview. A complete success, better even than expected. At the end of it, I was told I'd be a sure thing! So proud I was at that moment. I felt this energy come over me, something I had missed for a long while.
Going through the motions of exchanging emails with my future employers, phone calls, setting the date to "get out of dodge", buying some small stuff that I'd need later, it came up the opportunity of a job in the same place for a friend of mine, also my therapeutical support (since she's a psychologist). She went to the interview, got accepted and voilá, I was convinced now that that was the way to go. I needed that to reassure me everything would be ok, since I had attempt to leave the country on two other occasions and 2 weeks later I was back home, to the disappointment of "my community", but more so, to my own disappointment. But now it was "U.K. or Bust!"
Set... Everything was falling into place nicely. The deal was my boyfriend would go too if and when we'd find him a job there. So, heaven in the making. Not to say it would be easy to do so, but the British do aim to please their workers, and as soon as I talked to them about this, they were trying to find something for him, to enable his going to the U.K. as well. So the expectations rise. I have a job now, a good one, a full-time contract, with a decent pay and benefits, enough to allow me to dream of soon being able to have my own place, maybe even get married, who knows. Not much preparation needed for this trip. Just pack a suitcase for the 1st month or so (they would provide us with accommodation for that period and help us find a place to stay afterwards), some minor details to attend to here, book the flight and that would be it. Planned Date of Departure: 16th January 2009.
On the weekend of the 10th-11th January the 1st symptoms appeared... That terrifying fear, the sweaty palms, the sleep deprivation, heart racing, the not so eloquent speech. I'm no master of disguise and it was written all over my face. Mom read it instantly...
Go(ne)!... So by now I'm just feeling numb. I knew already what all this meant and it would be just a matter of time until the words would come out of my mouth, as they eventually did..."I'm not going..." I weighed all the pros and cons, as smart people usually do. The pros won, but they lost to me... Funny, or not really, but still odd, how even in the face of good fortune and promise of an eventual state of happiness, we, humans, or me, Andreia, manage to knock it all down like a frail castle of cards... And so I informed, as demanded, the ones close to me first. My mom didn’t need to be informed, her radar was and is working quite well when it comes to me. If you accustom people to something about yourself long enough, that's what they'll come to expect from you, in my case it was failure, even if she had hoped and was believing in the possibility of me proving her wrong...I did not. I told my boyfriend, who was divided between the sadness of seeing me lose yet again a good opportunity, and the happiness of seeing me stay close to him (also due to trust issues between us, cause I've stepped on him, without planning to do so, but still did, and regret it till this day, and till I'll die). Then my friends, the one who I was going with, and my best friend. Both shared the same opinion: "you're making a mistake, but ultimately, it's your call". Diplomacy... good at times, not so good when you're about to break down. But I don't blame them cause almost like my mom, they know who they're dealing with.
And finally, my future employers. "Dear... I regret to inform you...". Got a very polite and warm answer actually. But what could they do? I laid down the cards and told it as it was, how I felt, and how my strength is null, etc. Not much else to say about it.
So this time, I managed to fail without even trying. Takes talent huh?
It's January 19th, and I'm writing from my own bedroom, in my city, in my country, with no prospects, back at square one, or minus one...
My name is Andreia, you can look me up in the dictionary next to the word "failure"
Ready... moment when I decided it was time to change. Change everything, life, job, country even. So the goal was set. Next step: look for the way to achieve that. And so I did. Through a newspaper add, I applied for a job in England. During the process, I was being medicated, I was calmer, had the support of family, of my boyfriend, of friends, few but precious ones. Did the interview. A complete success, better even than expected. At the end of it, I was told I'd be a sure thing! So proud I was at that moment. I felt this energy come over me, something I had missed for a long while.
Going through the motions of exchanging emails with my future employers, phone calls, setting the date to "get out of dodge", buying some small stuff that I'd need later, it came up the opportunity of a job in the same place for a friend of mine, also my therapeutical support (since she's a psychologist). She went to the interview, got accepted and voilá, I was convinced now that that was the way to go. I needed that to reassure me everything would be ok, since I had attempt to leave the country on two other occasions and 2 weeks later I was back home, to the disappointment of "my community", but more so, to my own disappointment. But now it was "U.K. or Bust!"
Set... Everything was falling into place nicely. The deal was my boyfriend would go too if and when we'd find him a job there. So, heaven in the making. Not to say it would be easy to do so, but the British do aim to please their workers, and as soon as I talked to them about this, they were trying to find something for him, to enable his going to the U.K. as well. So the expectations rise. I have a job now, a good one, a full-time contract, with a decent pay and benefits, enough to allow me to dream of soon being able to have my own place, maybe even get married, who knows. Not much preparation needed for this trip. Just pack a suitcase for the 1st month or so (they would provide us with accommodation for that period and help us find a place to stay afterwards), some minor details to attend to here, book the flight and that would be it. Planned Date of Departure: 16th January 2009.
On the weekend of the 10th-11th January the 1st symptoms appeared... That terrifying fear, the sweaty palms, the sleep deprivation, heart racing, the not so eloquent speech. I'm no master of disguise and it was written all over my face. Mom read it instantly...
Go(ne)!... So by now I'm just feeling numb. I knew already what all this meant and it would be just a matter of time until the words would come out of my mouth, as they eventually did..."I'm not going..." I weighed all the pros and cons, as smart people usually do. The pros won, but they lost to me... Funny, or not really, but still odd, how even in the face of good fortune and promise of an eventual state of happiness, we, humans, or me, Andreia, manage to knock it all down like a frail castle of cards... And so I informed, as demanded, the ones close to me first. My mom didn’t need to be informed, her radar was and is working quite well when it comes to me. If you accustom people to something about yourself long enough, that's what they'll come to expect from you, in my case it was failure, even if she had hoped and was believing in the possibility of me proving her wrong...I did not. I told my boyfriend, who was divided between the sadness of seeing me lose yet again a good opportunity, and the happiness of seeing me stay close to him (also due to trust issues between us, cause I've stepped on him, without planning to do so, but still did, and regret it till this day, and till I'll die). Then my friends, the one who I was going with, and my best friend. Both shared the same opinion: "you're making a mistake, but ultimately, it's your call". Diplomacy... good at times, not so good when you're about to break down. But I don't blame them cause almost like my mom, they know who they're dealing with.
And finally, my future employers. "Dear... I regret to inform you...". Got a very polite and warm answer actually. But what could they do? I laid down the cards and told it as it was, how I felt, and how my strength is null, etc. Not much else to say about it.
So this time, I managed to fail without even trying. Takes talent huh?
It's January 19th, and I'm writing from my own bedroom, in my city, in my country, with no prospects, back at square one, or minus one...
My name is Andreia, you can look me up in the dictionary next to the word "failure"
terça-feira, 6 de janeiro de 2009
My New Year Message!
I wish you all TIME!
I don't wish you some gift,
I wish you only what most people don't have
I wish you time, to have fun, to smile;
I wish you time to overcome all obstacles
and to comemorate successes!
I wish you time, to plan and achieve,
Not only for yourselves but for others around you too,
I wish you time, not to be in a hurry and run,
I wish you time so you can find yourselves,
I wish you time, not just to pass you by and watch it on a clock,
I wish you time so you can stay;
Time so you can get amazed and time to trust someone,
I wish you time so you can touch the stars
And time to grow and mature.
I wish you time to learn and get it right,
Time to start over, if you fail..
I wish you time also so that you can go back and forgive
I wish you time to have new hopes and to love,
It makes no sense to postpone it.
I wish you time to be happy,
To live each day, each hour as a gift.
I wish you time, time for life.
I wish you time. Time! Lots of time!
May 2009 grant you all the time you need to be the best you can be.
Remember "Time waits for no man!"
* this was translated from a Portuguese poem given to me by one of my best friends (obg Xana)
I don't wish you some gift,
I wish you only what most people don't have
I wish you time, to have fun, to smile;
I wish you time to overcome all obstacles
and to comemorate successes!
I wish you time, to plan and achieve,
Not only for yourselves but for others around you too,
I wish you time, not to be in a hurry and run,
I wish you time so you can find yourselves,
I wish you time, not just to pass you by and watch it on a clock,
I wish you time so you can stay;
Time so you can get amazed and time to trust someone,
I wish you time so you can touch the stars
And time to grow and mature.
I wish you time to learn and get it right,
Time to start over, if you fail..
I wish you time also so that you can go back and forgive
I wish you time to have new hopes and to love,
It makes no sense to postpone it.
I wish you time to be happy,
To live each day, each hour as a gift.
I wish you time, time for life.
I wish you time. Time! Lots of time!
May 2009 grant you all the time you need to be the best you can be.
Remember "Time waits for no man!"
* this was translated from a Portuguese poem given to me by one of my best friends (obg Xana)
quinta-feira, 1 de janeiro de 2009
Happy New Year
I wish that this new year brings out the very best in me.
2009 was passed in Albufeira (Portugal) with friends and
100.000 other strangers,to the sound of UB 40... "red red wineeeee..."
Midnight was perfect, I heard the countdown to 2009 on the phone with my mom and then I kissed the love of my life and told him I'd wish for us to be together every passing year. Can't get any better than that!
Happy 2009 Everyone.
sábado, 27 de dezembro de 2008
I had a dream...
Being as I am, weakned, but not defeated,
Sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself at night,
Letting my mind wander... and wander it does.
And to what seems to me to be a blink of an eye,
Took hours to process, crossed away through time like a knife,
The same knife that I feel in my heart twisting,
calling me back...
I come back, after some state of sleepness,
that just seemed so real,
And it's your face i see.
Last night it happened,
After I let myself fall into the relm of dreams,
And I came back to "real life" screaming your name,
Crying for you, cause I couldn't reach you...
"They" say your fears manifest themselves
in your dreams as well...
One of mine is to lose you, to be far from you
And not be able to get a hold of you...
So my instinct was to call you that very moment.
Past 6am. I called you and heard
Your sleepy voice on the other end...
And I could breathe again..
... you were there, here, close, safe and mine.
I Love You!
sexta-feira, 26 de dezembro de 2008
We'll make it baby :)
When my words are missing, I just find them in what someone else said or sung about.
I dedicated this song to you 2 years ago, in a karaoke bar and I mean it. We'll make it baby, and I'll do whatever it takes to make you believe that again, cause "I've found a reason for me, To change who I used to be, A reason to start over new, and the reason is you"
"The Reason", by Hoobastank
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is YOU!
Adoro-te Marco!
Love is the Key!
These are the owners of my heart
The ones I love and respect,
The ones that have shown me the way to live
Through their experience or the innocence of a smile
These are the ones I owe my life to,
The ones that made me see what I would miss if I let myself wander lost as I was...
These are the ones whose pride I long for,
These are the people that have never given up on me,
These are the ones who love me, no matter what...
And for that they have my eternal love,
for the world is a dark, lonely and cruel place to the ones
that shut love out!
Love is indeed the key to it all!
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